


We Are Who We Are

by wuwu



Series: The Lives We Live [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Bullying, Coming Out, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, Just some basic things you'd expect in a homophobic world, M/M, Misgendering, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexuality, Slurs, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-17 12:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3529829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuwu/pseuds/wuwu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray didn't mean to be the way he was, it just sort of happened. How is he supposed to figure everything out on his own?<br/>Alternatively: Ray doesn't know what to do when he finds out he's trans and needs a little (lot) of help from some friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And I Ran, I Ran So Far Away

**Author's Note:**

> I had no idea for a chapter title but then I reread the first few paragraphs and they reminded me of the song _I Ran (So Far Away)_ by _A Flock Of Seagulls_

The wind bit and stung Ray’s cheeks, whipping past his ears and undoubtedly turning his chapped lips into popsicles. The moon hung high in the sky and lay shrouded behind dirty clouds, reminding Ray much of himself in his current situation. Small rain droplets plummeted to the ground as they grew bigger as the minutes passed. The sound of shoes slowly scraping against concrete turned into quick steps as checkered Vans ran around mud deposits and jumped over murky puddles.

Fuck everything.

Ray shivered as he did his best to hug his arms to his chest while keeping his not-so-quick-but-quick-enough pace. His purple Twitch hoodie clung to his skin as if it would meet its demise should it let go. His jeans hugged at his ankles and left his legs feeling chilled to the bone. Socks squished and let out cries as more water soaked through the cloth and left a trail of tears as the rain washed their sorrows away. Ray’s once oh so dry and fluffy hair stuck to his forehead as he ran, leading rain drops into his eyes and clouding his vision even more than his water-ridden lenses to his glasses did.

He wiped at his eyes with soaked hands and let out a dry laugh.

_At least it won’t look like I was crying._

Ray shook his head and continued to run, separating his arms from his sides and allowing them to swing as he ran. He’d rather suffer coldly and be out of the rain faster rather than be hardly any warmer and stuck in the rain for an extra ten minutes.

He sighed in relief as the awning for a bus stop came into view, gladly taking a seat on the wet bench and patting himself down for his phone. Ray frowned as he felt nothing but a few quarters in his back pocket, but figured it was probably for the better that he didn’t have his phone with him. It’d be filled with water to no end and his mother would probably try to track him down. Fucking GPS.

Ray ran his hands through his hair, feeling it tangle and knot up towards his lower back. He did his best to untangle the tiny bird nests residing in his hair and let out a huff of air as he somehow knotted the strands even more.

He hated his hair so much.

Ray stood up from the bench and looked around the dark streets until he found a payphone residing next to a light pole. He walked over to the unnaturally grimy phone and inserted two quarters. He quickly punched in numbers and bounced on the balls of his feet, leaning his weight on his other leg every few seconds. God, his shoes felt gross.

A few rings later and a hesitant “Hello?” answered the phone.

“Michael?” Ray asked, rubbing his nose with a sniff.

“Uh, who’s calling?”

“Sorry, it’s me,” Ray said. “Mariana.” _Yet another thing to worry about. Fantastic._

“Holy shit, are you okay? What happened to your phone?”

“Who’s calling, Michael?”

“Gavin shut the fuck up,” Michael yelled. He let out a huff of air and Ray managed a small smile at the sound. “Are you okay?” he asked with a much gentler tone than he used to talk to Gavin. “You’re not like, lost or something, are you? ‘Cause it’s raining like hell and you don’t need to be wandering outside. Especially not at night.”

“I’m fine, Michael,” Ray sighed. “I was just wondering if your mom could maybe pick me up.”

“And where would that be?”

“Uh, you know… Just by that cheap corner store near Ryan’s house.”

“Mariana Narvaez, what the _fuck_ are you doing all the way over there? Ryan lives like two miles from you. You can’t be out at night like that. It’s like… two in the morning!”

Ray smiled at the sound of Michael saying his name... Or, his other name. _Fuck, this is confusing._ Nevertheless, it was still comforting to hear him attempt to roll the _r_ in his “name” and use a _d_ instead. Michael hated the fact that he couldn’t roll his tongue.

“Just pick me up, okay? I’m tired and cold and I just want to sleep. Also this thing is beeping so if the call ends you need to hurry.”

“Alright, alright. We’re coming. But you better tell me what happe--”

 _Fucking hell._ Ray sighed, hanging up the phone and walked down the barren sidewalk, not caring if his shoes stepped in mud anymore. He crossed the street a few feet away and sat at a run down convenience store, pressing his back against the building and thanking whatever being watching over him for the small dry patches for him to sit on.

What was he supposed to tell Michael? “Hey so I found out that I might actually not be a girl and I got kicked out of my house but you’ll let me stay with you, right?”

As if.

Maybe he could just make up some bullshit story or just keep telling Michael that he didn’t want to talk about it. Or he could walk to Ryan’s. At least _he_ wouldn’t ask questions. He’d just wait until Ray was feeling fine and dandy before even bringing up any mentions of home.

But he didn’t want to be a burden.

He knew Michael since preschool and Gavin since second grade, so it’s not like he was never at their houses all the time. It wouldn’t be the same since he didn’t know Ryan as long as the others. So that means he’s definitely out of the question now.

Ray hugged his knees to his chest and leaned his head back to press against the concrete wall. How did everything go so wrong? Just two days ago his mom was doting over him like crazy.

 _More like doting over_ her.

He could try calling his dad, right? Just stay with him for the rest of his sophomore, junior, and senior years of high school, and everything would go by fine.

_Except for the fact that I haven’t seen him since the seventh grade._

With a frown, Ray let out a sigh through his nose. He could worry about this stuff later.

The wind continued its howling as it brushed against store shop flags and whistled by doors. The rain poured down steadily as the occasional car would drive by from a night shift. The dry patches next to Ray had long since turned soggy and he had been debating walking to Ryan’s house when a car slowed to a stop next to him.

Somebody walked out, Ray couldn’t tell who because of the darkness and his wet glasses, and helped him into the car. The cold seemed to disappear from his bones as he sat on towels covering the seats. Warm air radiated from the front of the car and another towel was handed to him so he could dry his hair. The slam of a car door brought Ray out from where his face was pressed into the warm cloth.

“What are you doing out this late?” Michael questioned, eyebrow raised as he watched Ray take off his glasses.

“Does your mother know you’re out at this hour?” Michael’s mom asked.

“You could’ve been hurt!” Gavin stated worriedly.

“I’m fine, and yeah, my mom knows I was out, Mrs. Jones.” Ray fiddles with his glasses in his lap, turning over the metal frame in his hands. “Thanks for picking me up, by the way,” Ray mutters.

“You know I’d never say no, sweetie,” she smiled.

“You still haven’t answered my question,” Michael pointed out.

Ray shrugged and continued to play with his glasses, folding the temples and unfolding them. Wash, rinse, repeat. It was the only thing he could do to avoid Michael’s disapproving gaze and Gavin’s worried glances. The two sat on either side of him, almost as if they were trapping him in. Combine that with Michael’s sour mood and Ray felt helpless, unable to escape from anything.

He’d have to tell Michael.

“Leave her alone, Michael,” Gavin frowned. “Let’s just go back home and let her tell us when she’s ready.”

_Her. She. Ugh._

“Back home?” Mrs. Jones asked from the front.

_Thank you, Michael’s mom. May your life be filled with happiness._

“Uh, well, you see,” Gavin sputtered. “I just…”

Ray tuned out Michael’s laughs and Gavin’s embarrassed head shakes, instead focusing on the quick pitter patters of the rain landing on the car’s rooftop. He set his glasses in his lap and wrapped the towel around himself again, using another to shield his face from the two sitting next to him.

The car ride to Michael’s house was filled with bickering and quiet pop songs playing from the radio. The rain kept pounding steadily on the roof and rolled off the windows with ease. Everything was calm for Ray, but it was soon ruined as they came to a stop in Michael’s driveway.

Michael’s mom left first, saying that she was going to unlock the door and run a bath for Ray (read: Mariana). Gavin, Michael, and Ray lingered in the car, though. Ray more so because the car doors were out of reach for him.

“Michael, let’s just get inside,” Gavin insisted, reaching to grab Michael’s hand. He cringed a bit when the appendage was pulled away.

“She needs to answer my question,” he said.

“She’s tired and cold, Michael. We can talk about this in the morning.”

Michael waited a moment and let out one last frown before wrapping his fingers around the door handle and nodding, albeit begrudgingly. “We’d better go before you get sick out here.”

Gavin let out a small smile and motioned for one of Ray’s towels, thanking him when he was handed one. He draped it over his head as he stepped out and grabbed Ray’s hand as he followed suit. Gavin gathered up the soaked towels and ran after Michael and Ray towards the door.

Ray hugged his arms to his chest as he walked to the door, already used to the chill brought by the weather. Michael’s hair clung to his forehead as he ran through the rain, and Gavin seemed to be having a hard time holding the pile of towels while also watching out for mud.

Mrs. Jones stood by the door, motioning for Ray to follow her into the bathroom.

Going anywhere would be better than having to stay under Michael’s scrutinizing gaze, in Ray’s opinion.

“Shampoos and conditioners are gonna be in the basket on the floor,” she said as they walked through hallways. “There’s some soap there, too. And your towel is hanging on the rack next to the sink. Oh, and I’ll bring you some of Michael’s pajamas to wear while I wash your clothes.”

“Thanks, for all of this,” Ray said as he approached the bathroom door.

“Well, you know you’re my favorite,” Mrs. Jones smiled. “If Gavin were a bit quieter I might be this nice to him, too.”

“I know what you mean,” Ray nodded. He gave a small wave as Mrs. Jones took a step away from the door. He opened the door and laughed as he heard Michael scream from the living room a few seconds before Gavin’s squawks traveled through the door as he closed it.

Ray quickly stripped himself of his clothes, setting them in the sink to drain a bit and took off his glasses before setting them next to a few toothbrushes sitting in a cup.

Ray stared at himself in the mirror. His body was nothing but an off-brown blur, but he could see the hourglass figure and long, dark hair draping over his shoulders and falling down to his hips. He turned and saw how much smaller his figure seemed to be compared to Michael or Ryan. Gavin was a little bigger, but not by much, and that eased Ray’s mind a bit.

He turned away from the mirror and made his way into the tub, dipping his foot into the hot water and sliding in with ease. He settled down into the tub, stretching his legs out to the faucet and lowering his head so he could dip his hair in the water. The water smoothed his tangled hair down and caused it to cling to his head once again, covering his eyes.

Ray could hear the occasional drip of water on water as drops rolled down his face. Besides the yelling coming from the living room, that was the only noise grounding him.

How long could he stay there? He could probably stay at Michael’s for a few days and then stay with Gavin. He might be able to stay the night at Ryan’s a couple of times, too. But how long would that last? He’d have to go back home sometime.

Though he’d prefer it be later rather than sooner.

Never sounded like a good option, too.

Letting out a tired sigh, Ray wet his hair once more and grabbed the shampoo resting in the basket next to the tub. There were pictures of apples on it, and okay, maybe he wanted to see if his hair would actually smell like fruit instead of having a bland smell like cucumber for once.

He worked the shampoo into his hair, scrubbing at his scalp and moving down to the lower region of his hair. It took a bit of holding and rubbing to clean the tips, but Ray managed to clean his hair and leave a soapy backwash in the tub when he reached for the conditioner. As he worked the conditioner into the strands, untangling the knots in his hair one by one, he smiled at the sound of what seemed to be a never ending loop of Gavins squawks.

While Ray had been bathing Michael was straddling Gavin, fingers moving rapidly against the Brit’s sides to cause bubbles of laughter and squeals to escape his mouth. Michael grinned and let out small giggles at Gavin’s begs for him to stop. It was only about a minute later when Mrs. Jones walked into the living room when Michael stopped his attack and let Gavin catch his breath.

“Your mom is like a saint, Michael,” Gavin huffed, rubbing his side with his hands. “She always knows when I need her the most.”

“More like my dad was finally starting to wake up,” he rolled his eyes. “The fucker can only handle so much noise.”

“You still hate your father?” Gavin asked, staring at Michael’s frame as he got off of the Brit and sat on the couch.

“As long as he hates me, then yeah,“ Michael nodded. “So, for like the rest of my life.”

“Maybe he’ll turn over a new leaf and be all accepting and stuff.” Gavin sat up on the floor and pressed his feet together, pressing down on his knees with his elbows and holding his ankles in his hands. “My mother did that after I came out to her.”

“Well your mom isn’t some religious asshole who strongly believes in the second amendment,” Michael sighed. “It’s bad enough that he hates having you here.”

“He _hates_ me?” Gavin furrowed his brows in concentration, biting on his lower lip as his grip on his ankles loosened. “He’s not the nicest man, but I didn’t think he disliked me that much.” He let out a small sigh and thought back to their short moments spent together. It was difficult to see how unwanted he was because of their short conversations, but maybe that was all the proof he needed.

“He’s catching on, Gav.”

“You mean…” He pointed at Michael and back at himself, switching between the two before a nod urged him to stop.

“Mom’s been covering, but you know how he is.”

“Your father is one perceptive man,” Gavin frowned.

“More like you’re just a clingy piece of shit,” Michael smiled.

Gavin shook his head and stood up from where he sat on the floor, walking over to where Michael sat and straddling the other boy, placing his hands on Michael’s shoulders. “I don’t know where you’d get that idea from, Michael Jones.”

“If he walks in we’re both fucked,” Michael said. “I hope you know that.”

“Ah, quit your worrying. Think about something else.”

“Mariana is a good thing to think about,” Michael pointed out.

“Except for her,” Gavin quickly added. “You can’t even think about her because I said so and you always listen to me.”

“Gav, she called me from a fucking payphone in the middle of the night and won’t tell us why she was out there,” Michael frowned. “We need at least some idea as to why she was out that late.”

“And that’s something we can focus on when she’s ready to tell us,” Gavin said, moving his hands down to rub soothingly at Michael’s biceps. “It’s bloody three in the morning, give her a break.”

“It’s because it’s three in the morning that I can’t go without a fucking answer, Gavin.”

“And since it’s so late I’d like to sleep and worry about shit when I wake up,” Ray butted in, cutting off Gavin’s retort. “Just let me go to bed, dude.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Michael said. “You’re going right the fuck to sleep so you can hurry up and explain what the fuck is going on.”

“Fair enough,” Ray sighed.

“Alright, no need to be so down,” Gavin announced as he clapped his hands once. “Let’s get to bed Mariana, and my dear Michael will sleep on the couch.” He lifted himself off of Michael and steadied himself on the carpet, reaching for Ray’s hand.

“And why am _I_ sleeping out here?” Michael asked.

“Because we’re the guests and all that mumbo jumbo.” Gavin smiled as a hand linked with his.

“You’ve never had a problem with us sleeping on the floor in my room while she slept on the bed,” Michael pointed out.

“It’s improper for a man to sleep with a woman before marriage, Michael, you know that,” Gavin said, waving him off with his free hand.

“Then why are you sleeping in there with her?” Michael called out as the two walked towards to hallway that lead to the bedroom.

“I’m gay, Michael,” Gavin scoffed. “It’s not like we’re gonna shag.”

“But… we’re dating,” Michael said slowly as the pair disappeared down the hall. “Okay then.”

“Now we can get away from that vinegar filled meanie and have some peace and quiet,” Gavin hummed, leading Ray to Michael’s room and twisting the doorknob.

“Yeah,” Ray agreed, letting out a shaky breath. Somehow Gavin made him feel worse than Michael did in that moment.

_Mariana. Woman. Gay. Shag._

Gavin didn’t know, though. He was just trying to help.

_Yeah. He was just helping. It’s not his fault._

Ray nodded as Gavin babbled on, not listening to the conversation until the Brit turned to him with an expectant look on his face.

“Sorry, what did you say?” Ray asked, looking around the room to avoid Gavin’s gaze.

“I asked you where you wanted to sleep,” he repeated. “I’ll be fine on the floor if you want the bed.”

“The bed’s fine,” Ray muttered, walking over to play with the pillows resting on the comforter. The pillowcase had firetrucks on it and Ray smiled, knowing Michael was a sucker for the past and held onto everything he felt was sentimental. In this case it was Ray’s favorite pillow from the third grade.

Gavin nodded as he watched Ray run his fingers over Michael’s pillow, well aware of how much it meant to him. It wasn’t really anything by itself, but knowing that Michael kept it just for Ray was the only thing needed to give it that special value.

It’s why Michael’s room was decorated with most of the things he had.

Sure, he had normal things like a bed pressed up in the far left corner of the room and a TV and an Xbox in front of it, but the whole room told memories.

The TV was sat atop a dresser from when Michael was in the fifth grade, his and Gavin’s names carved into the wood. Mr. Jones had yelled at them for a good minute or two before stopping himself as Gavin came close to tears, seeing as it was his fault they were being reprimanded. Small trucks and trinkets were also situated on the wooden furniture as well as a few smiley faces with too large noses drawn with Sharpie. One of those rugs with streets was in the far right corner of the room, laying on the floor in front of the closet filled with more memories Gavin could count on one hand.

Lifting up the covers, Ray slid in and watched as Gavin fished around one in of Michael’s drawers, humming a tune softly to himself as he pulled out a blanket and set it on the floor.

“G’night, Mariana,” Gavin called out from the floor, hidden by the height of the bed save for the arm that waved in the air.

“You forgot to turn off the light,” Ray commented, snickering as Gavin fumbled with his blanket to cross the room.

The Brit stood up dizzily, swaying as he got himself to his feet. Eyes drooping and sagging as if weights were placed on his eyelids, Gavin trudged over to the light switch and headed back to his place on the floor when a voice called out for him.

“Wha’s that?” he asked, covering his mouth as a yawn escaped his lips. As soon as all the excitement had died down it was like he hadn’t slept for days on end.

“I said come lay down over here,” Ray repeated, rolling his eyes. He patted the bed next to him, throwing the covers a little too dramatically but still achieving the effect he was going for.

With a mental shrug, Gavin groggily made his way to the bed and covered himself with the mountain of blankets resting at the foot of Michael’s bed. He felt Ray shift by him, legs moving to curl up at his waist but eventually settling for nudging Gavin’s own feet.

“Thanks for keeping Michael away,” Ray said as Gavin turned to face him.

“Can’t keep him away tomorrow, though,” Gavin sighed. “You know how he gets.”

“I mean, I think I could handle a little extra yelling,” Ray shrugged.

Gavin let out a small laugh and laid on his back, staring up at the dimly lit glow-in-the-dark stars stuck onto the ceiling. “You know he’ll do more than yell at you.”

“What, like he did to you in second grade?”

“How am I supposed to explain why my accent wasn’t the same as his?!” Gavin scoffed, grinning towards the end of his sentence. “I was only 7 years old for Chrissake!”

“He looked like he was gonna fuck you _up,_ ” Ray laughed.

_”What’s your name?” Michael asked, crossing his arms. His hair held a stronger tint of red in it, curls bouncing and dancing on his head with every bob. His freckles popped out more against pale skin, glasses interrupting the stars splayed across his cheeks._

_”G-Gavin,” the boy stuttered, clutching his_ Thomas the Tank Engine _lunchbox in his hands. His blond hair covered his vision slightly every time he ducked his head down._

_”Why is your voice so funny?” Michael cocked his head to the side and put his hands on his hips, a frown growing on his face when Gavin didn’t answer._

_”I don’t know,” Gavin blurted out after Michael let out an unsatisfied hum._

_”You’re stupid,” he spat out. “That’s why your voice sounds funny.”_

“And then you started crying,” Ray laughed. “I had to get the teacher because Michael kept staring you down.”

“He was bloody scary!”

Ray giggled once more and shut his eyes, his smile slowly fading into an uneasy frown. Gavin had calmed down as well after a minute or two and had begun kicking Ray’s feet slightly, bringing the sense of comfort from when they used to play Footsie when they were younger.

“Are you going to be okay when Michael gets upset with you?” Gavin asked, eyes filled with worry.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Ray nodded. He looked away from Gavin and laid on his back instead, staring at the ceiling with blurred vision since his glasses were set on the nightstand next to him.

“Why were you outside anyways?” Gavin stared at the ceiling as well. “It’s a bit concerning, to be honest.”

“I’ll give you a hint,” Ray smiled, though not one of joy or laughter. It was more bittersweet than anything, letting Gavin in on the secret he had to reveal but pained that he had to reveal it at all.

“Mariana isn’t my name.”


	2. I Wanna Hide The Truth [I Wanna Shelter You] There's Nowhere We Can Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael finally confronts Ray about the night before and Gavin is the supportive friend through it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long af chapter title inspired by _Demons_ by _Imagine Dragons_  
>  This may be my second favorite chapter I planned out tbh
> 
> !!!!!Also this is the chapter where slurs begin to come into play.!!!!!

_”Mariana isn’t my name.”_

“What does that mean?” Gavin whispered to himself, running his fingers through his hair long after Ray had fallen asleep.

If he was tired before, then that sentence was the caffeine he needed to keep himself running.

_Does she want us to call her something else? Like a nickname? Maybe she just wants a different name is all. Her mother loved that name so maybe that’s why she got all salty about Mariana wanting to change her name._

Gavin shook his head in frustration. _That’s not it, you bloody idiot. Think bigger._

Everything just felt… wrong. No matter what came to mind Gavin didn’t know what was right and what wasn’t. His thoughts tore themselves apart with _What Ifs_ and absurd theories. There had to be something he was missing.

With a sigh Gavin gave up trying to decipher the statement and instead opted to go to the living room to cool off. He quietly made his way out of the room with covered feet, socks sliding against the tiled floor and stopping on the rug in front of the leather recliner Michael had laid down in. Before lying on the couch next to him Gavin looked up to see the green glow of the time displayed on the stove’s clock. He squinted his eyes and saw 5:47 beaming at him.

Another sigh later and Gavin was lying on the leather couch, stomach pressed onto the cool surface as the cold temperature seeped through his shirt and made him shiver. He really wished they’d turn off the AC at night.

Gavin fixed the blanket covering part of Michael’s outstretched body, covering his bare feet with the soft fabric along with his uncovered arms. He moved even further up and began playing with Michael’s curls, twisting them around his index finger and giggling when Michael would stir in the slightest. He wasn’t really a deep sleeper, but when he was tired there’d be no waking him.

And so he spent his time playing with Michael’s hair and timing his breaths with his boyfriend’s. Gavin wasn’t even aware he had even fallen asleep until he heard shuffling in the kitchen and saw a light attempt to show what lurked in the depths of the fireplace across from him. He heard the sound of heavy feet padding along the floor and dismissed it as Michael’s father getting ready for work before falling asleep.

\--

This time it was laughter that had woken Gavin up.

He shut his eyes and tried to ignore the voices chatting away but was dragged out of his slumber as the snickers grew louder and closer to him. Opening his eyes once more, Gavin squinted groggily at the sight of an iPhone being pointed at him before the flash went off, causing his eyes to shut again.

“Aren’t they the cutest?”

“You have no idea, Mrs. Jones.”

“Oh, Gavin! Good morning!”

Gavin groaned and tried to roll off of the couch to wake himself up but a weight was settled on top of him, warm and heavy. He heard the quiet sound of snoring in his ear and felt his fingers brush over a blanket he hadn’t had before.

Michael must’ve fallen asleep on top of him, Gavin concluded. The boy’s breath was ghosting over the side of the Brit’s neck and a pair of arms were wrapped around Gavin’s torso. His own hands were settled around Michael’s neck, fingers threading through soft locks.

“You guys suck,” Gavin yawned, drawing out the word _suck._

“So do you,” Ray muttered with a smile. Gavin caught the quiet words but Mrs. Jones was oblivious to the comment, talking about how she made a nice brunch for them.

Gavin huffed and let the corners of his mouth rise, shaking his head slowly. “So stupid,” he whispered to himself.

“Can everybody just _shut up_ ,” Michael groaned, lifting his head up only to put it back down on Gavin’s chest. He glared at Ray as he saw the brunet sit on the floor in front of his line of sight.

“Michael, get off of me,” Gavin whined, trying to push his boyfriend off of himself.

“Make me, asshole.”

With a smirk on his face, Gavin pushed Michael off the couch, glad that Ray had slid across the floor to avoid being a landing pad. Gavin would’ve jumped in victory if it weren’t for one thing keeping him from moving. As Michael slid off the couch he kept his arms wrapped around Gavin, dragging the Brit down with him with a thump.

“Michael!” Gavin yelled, eyes squeezing shut with clenched teeth as if not looking at the impact would make the fall hurt any less.

“Fuck my back hurts,” Michael shouted, letting out a hiss as Gavin wriggled in his hold. “You’d think someone as light as you wouldn’t make me fall that hard.”

“Let go of me!”

“Alright, alright,” Michael laughed. His arms opened wide and Gavin rolled off of him, moving to sit next to a grinning Ray. As the Brit slid across the tiled floor Michael shut his eyes, letting a steady stream of air out of his mouth.

“Calm down.” Ray rolled his eyes as he stood up, grabbing hold of Gavin’s hand to bring him up as well. The two walked over to Michael, towering over him as they waited for him to open his eyes. “Hurry up and get off the floor so we can eat,” Ray said with a smile.

With a quick pull on outstretched arms the three were walking towards the small kitchen table. A plate of pancakes rested on the center of the tabletop surrounded by a plate of french toast, eggs, bacon, and a carton of orange juice. Pulp free, of course. A bottle of maple syrup sat next to the pancakes and french toast. Four plates were placed around the table along with utensils on top of napkins and an empty glass.

“So you finally decided to stop playing around?” Mrs. Jones asked Michael, pinching his cheek as he sat down.

“You know I can’t pass up your food,” Michael grinned, kissing the air as he stuck his head up to kiss his mother, only to have her smack the top of his head and take a seat next to him.

“Your cooking is the best, Mrs. Jones,” Gavin grinned, sitting across from her with Michael on his left. “Don’t tell my mom I said that,” he added as an afterthought.

“Gavin’s gonna get grounded,” Ray sang as he sat across from Michael.

“Oh sod off.”

“ _Sod off,_ ” Michael mocked, reaching for a couple pancakes with his fork along with a couple strips of bacon. “ _Long live the queen._ ”

Ray snickered as Gavin crossed his arms with an exaggerated frown. He grabbed a scoopful of eggs and a strip of bacon along with a slice of french toast. Gavin did the same as Mrs. Jones served herself a couple pancakes and poured juice for herself and the others.

It wasn't the most spectacular meal Ray had ever had, but it was certainly better than anything his mother had tried cooking for him.

Somewhere along the line of watching Michael scarf down practically all the pancakes left on the plate, Ray had noticed how easy it felt to settle in the Jones household. Michael's mother had been extremely nice, not daring to say a word about the situation at hand but instead trying to keep things as great as possible for the time being. Michael himself had been furious with the secrets Ray was keeping, but the brunet knew it was only because he cared. And although Gavin wasn't really a Jones ( _yet_ ) Ray felt safe and secure. The only problem would be Mr. Jones, but if he could keep his personal affairs from the man Ray supposed things wouldn't turn out so bad.

Ray picked at his food with a small smile, watching Gavin and Mrs. Jones pick on Michael by stealing his food or throwing napkin pieces into his cup of juice. Gavin's squeaky laughs and Michael's squinty glares only served as fuel to the engine that powered his grins. And when Michael shoved a slice of french toast into Gavin’s face Ray couldn’t stop his smile from turning into a beam of joy.

But as Ray had always known, all good things must come to an end.

Excusing himself from the table, Ray had picked up his almost empty plate and glass and had walked towards the sink, placing his dishes in and jumping when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and slightly shrunk in on himself when Michael’s chocolate eyes met his.

“Don’t think I’ve forgot,” he whispered to Ray, placing his dishes in the sink as well and stepping towards the table with a smile.

Ray took that as a cue to prepare himself, waving off Gavin’s raised brow as he rushed to the bathroom. He struggled to lock the door and only managed to do so after five shaky tries.

He was terrified.

Michael had been in a good mood all morning so he thought the curly haired teen had forgotten about confronting Ray but no, he was wrong. Michael had gotten his hopes up and crushed his mood with that one sentence. Maybe it was for the better. After all, Ray had time to calm his breathing and run through scenarios in his head. At least he’d be in the right mood for it.

A knock at the door startled him, causing Ray’s grip on the sink to falter. His hands let go of the edge and as his body turned towards the door he fell to the floor, barely managing to avoid clipping his jaw on the ceramic block.

He really needed to get rid of those jitters.

“Are you alright in there?” Gavin’s voice peeked through the gap under the door frame, filling the silent bathroom.

“Yeah, m’fine,” Ray mumbled as he got himself go his feet, brushing off his butt for anything that might’ve stuck on the borrowed pants. He quickly opened the door, not wanting to keep Gavin waiting.

The Brit looked… worried? No, more like he was scared of what Michael would say or do. After all, what would Michael think if Ray had given him the very same hint he gave Gavin? Something as mysterious as saying a new name was needed wouldn’t be very beneficial to either party.

“You’re gonna be okay?”

“I’ll stick through it, Gav,” Ray nodded.

He froze on the spot when a pair of lanky arms were wrapping around his neck, chest pushed up against another as Gavin pressed his nose against the side of Ray’s head. After a few seconds Ray wrapped his arms around the other’s waist and let out a sigh.

“I don’t know what you’re going to say, but I won’t let him hurt you,” Gavin whispered.

“He’s not gonna hurt me.”

“Well then it’s just the thought that counts then, right?”

“Right.”

With a nod Gavin let go and interlinked his pinky with Ray’s, plastering a smile on his face as they walked into Michael’s room together.

The first thing Ray noticed was how silent it was as soon as the door was closed behind him. It felt like when he used to get caught stealing cookies from the baking tray as a kid and being confronted about it. The second thing was how thick the air seemed to be. All of the tension had been seeping off of Michael, filling the room until every corner was occupied and Ray was forced to breathe it in and out and in and out. Michael was sitting cross legged on the bed, arms crossed and mouth pressed into a thin line as he watched the two sit in front of him. Ray barely registered Gavin’s arm wrapping around his shoulders.

It had been quiet for what seemed like hours but could only have been minutes until Michael opened his mouth. Ray wished he didn’t.

“Why aren’t you telling us what happened?”

“It’s none of your business,” Ray muttered, legs drawn up to his chest. His forehead pressed against the soft fabric that was Michael’s pajamas and he forced himself to keep even breaths.

“It’s absolutely my business when I’m keeping you in my house,” Michael said sternly.

“I can easily leave if you want,” Ray shrugged. Gavin’s hand squeezed his shoulder.

“You know I can’t let you do that.” Michael shook his head and kicked his foot out to bump at Rays. He frowned when Ray slid his feet back further. “I just wanna know what’s up.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to know what’s up.” Ray lifted his head up and glared at Michael, tears pricking the edges of his eyes. “Maybe I just want to forget about what happened and act like everything is normal.”

“We can’t tiptoe around this subject if you’re staying here, though, and you know that.”

“I told you, I’ll leave.”

“But I don’t want you to,” Michael replied, voice raising in the slightest. A small head shake from Gavin made him tone his voice down.

“But I don’t want you to know anything,” Ray yelled, throat clenching as tears threatened to spill.

“What are we supposed to do to help then, hm? Tell me what you want, Mariana.”

“I WANT YOU TO STOP CALLING ME BY THAT STUPID NAME!”

Michael looked taken aback and could only stare in shock as Gavin rubbed Ray’s shoulder, nodding his head slowly as tanned hands ran through brunet locks.

“My name isn’t Mariana, and… and I’m not a girl. I’m not a girl and I got kicked out because my mom says I’m not a boy and god damnit I am and nobody believes me.” It was like a dam had burst as Ray let himself go. Gavin’s eyes had widened at the outburst, taking in the thought for a moment before taking Ray’s hands out of his hair before he ended up with tangles that would be painful to take out. Michael had still sat as shocked as before, eyes wide and never leaving the two sitting in front of him.

“She thinks its for attention but its not and she won’t let me back into my own home until I go back to being her beautiful daughter but I can’t stay like that anymore, I just can’t,” he rambled, eyes flicking upward to stare at Michael’s tense figure. “It’s not how I’m supposed to be.”

Ray’s vision blurred more and more as the moments passed. Michael was staring at Gavin, looking at him for help but not knowing what to say because the Brit was busy trying to calm their friend down.

So he said what passed through his mind.

“But… you’re a girl.”

And then everything was so silent you could hear a pin drop in any room of the house.

“What?” Gavin asked, eyes filled with confusion and rage all at the same time. His heart told different stories, though. Instead he was drowning in sorrow and disappointment on the inside, not wanting to believe his ears as he heard the words pour out of Michael’s mouth.

“She’s a girl, Gavin,” Michael repeated, confident in his words. “That’s how she was born. You can’t just… decide to be some other gender. That’s not how it works.”

“Michael, shut your mouth right now or so help me.” Gavin voice wavered as he stared at his boyfriend painfully, hoping that Michael would just _shut up_.

“You’re not some sort of _tranny_ are you?”

“MICHAEL VINCENT JONES,” Gavin screamed. He could feel his chest rise and fall with every deep breath, staring at Michael until his mouth didn’t dare to open. His calm was beginning to leak out and the Brit did his damndest to not lose his cool.

And as the words died down Gavin deemed it okay to look and see how Ray was holding up.

The regret in his eyes as he looked at Ray’s still frame couldn’t be more evident.

He’d promised Ray that he wouldn’t let Michael hurt him. He’d comforted Ray when Michael wouldn’t stop pestering him. They’d held hands in the dark and hugged and _I broke my promise._

Ray had been silent, eyes glossy and mouth trembling as he struggled to find words. His hands rested limp on top of the bed sheets and the firetruck pillow behind him seemed to mean nothing at that moment in time.

Every single memory he had with Michael seemed like nothing.

_It wasn’t supposed to go like this. Michael was supposed to help me. He’s my friend. Friends don’t hurt each other... No, I was stupid to think this would work. I should’ve gone to Ryan’s. I should’ve gone, shouldn’t have come here and expected all my bullshit to be accepted. I’m just a freak._

“I-I need to go,” Ray stuttered, shaking his head slowly as he tried to push Gavin off of himself. His head stayed ducked down as his eyes seemed to be glued to the floor. He stumbled off the bed and swung open the door, not hearing Gavin’s rushed footsteps follow him into the bathroom.

The lock clicked in place as Gavin’s hands reached up to cup Ray’s cheeks. Brown eyes met his but they were out of focus, staring back into his but not quite grasping the image in front of them.

“Look at me,” Gavin murmured. He watched as Ray’s eyes focused on him for a few seconds before looking dazed and then refocused all over again.

“You’re gonna be okay,” he continued. “I’ll get Michael to turn around. I promise.”

“I trusted him,” Ray whispered. “And he did exactly what my mom did. I can’t stay here.”

“Neither of them know what they’re talking about, that’s why.” Gavin rubbed small circles into Ray’s cheeks, mentally cheering when his sniffles died down and his breaths began to even out. “And I’ll call Ryan up. He’ll bring his dumb truck and you can stay there until I get Michael sorted out.”

“What if he doesn’t get ‘sorted out’?”

“Everything will be fine,” Gavin grinned. “He’s just never been taught these sort of things is all.”

“And you have?”

“Well I wouldn’t be a proper member of our lovely community if I didn’t know, now would I?”

“Guess not,” Ray smiled, letting out a small laugh.

“But, before I call Rye-bread we’ve got one more thing to handle!” Gavin’s hands dropped from Ray’s cheeks and he placed them on the other’s shoulders. “We’ve got to get pronouns and names out of the way.”

“Oh, right,” Ray nodded. He’d forgotten about the whole Tell Everyone Your New Name thing and honestly, it might’ve been more awkward than getting picked up by Michael’s mom in the rain. “I guess… _he_ and _they_ work out pretty fine. And I was thinking about changing my name to Ray… ‘cause, y’know.”

“Your father?”

A nod.

“Alrighty Ray, glad that’s settled,” Gavin laughed. “Do you want me to tell Ryan what happened? Or would you rather do it?”

“I think I’ll do it,” he nodded, biting his lip as Gavin showed yet another smile.

“I’ll go get my phone, then. The sooner I get back to Michael the better.” He reached for the doorknob but was stopped when a pair of slim hands wrapped themselves around his waist, forehead pressed against his back.

“Thanks,” Ray mumbled in the fabric.

“You know you can come to me for anything, Ray.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's bad but I really wanted to get this chapter out
> 
> also find me at freewoodking on tumblr blah blah blah


	3. And I Might Have Thought That We Were One [Wanted To Fight This War Without Weapons]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for transphobia in this chapter!!
> 
> Chapter title inspired by _Elastic Heart_ by _Sia ___

Blades of grass were plucked and thrown to the ground as the wind blew them across the front lawn. The sun shone dimly behind a curtain of gloomy clouds, warming only patches of the earth as the sun came out of its hiding spot. The wind blew every so often, pushing the thin strands of Ray’s hair into his eyes when they swayed at the right angle. Ray sighed to himself as he watched a roly poly fall off a blade of grass and tumble down into the mud. He stayed seated on the concrete path on the lawn, not wanting to fall into mud like the bug.

Gavin had gone back into the room to get his phone, but he was taking an awfully long time. 

_I’m probably the reason they’re gonna break up. Fan-_ fucking _-tastic, dude._

Not to mention Ray probably just lost his only place to stay for the time being. He could probably room with Gavin, but he didn’t want to be there until he was old enough to get his own place. Maybe he could get his money from his room and take some from his mom’s purse and stay at a motel. But how long would that last him?

Not very.

Ray groaned and threw his head back, letting out an everlasting sigh that blocked out the sound of a truck parking on the curb. He heard the scratch of shoes on concrete, though, along with a small laugh that grew closer with each step. He lowered his head and grinned at the sight of Ryan walking up the path, a navy blue long sleeve hugging his arms and a pair of what Ray dubbed “Dad Jeans” hanging off his hips.

“Rye-bread!” Ray laughed, standing up from where he was seated and meeting him for a hug.

“Glad to see my favorite shortie,” Ryan smiled, patting Ray’s head as the two separated.

“I’m not that short.”

“You’re like five feet.”

“I grew an inch last month,” Ray smirked. “By next year you’re gonna be the shortie.”

“We’ll see about that.” Ryan rolled his eyes and stared at the door, like Ray, as he heard the handle being turned.

“Oh, Ryan,” Gavin said as he stepped out, shutting the brown wood behind him. “I didn’t know you were already here.”

“You texted me almost ten minutes ago,” he pointed out.

“Must have lost track of the time,” Gavin shrugged.

“I bet it’s because you can’t read a clock,” Ray snickered, grinning at the Brit’s pout.

“Why do I need to read one of those when I’m always gonna have my bloody phone on me?” Crossing his arms, Gavin huffed and rolled his eyes. “It’s a waste of time is what it is.”

“A waste of time is us standing out here and not throwing a sick party at Ryan’s place,” Ray spoke.

“And you’re gonna _throw a sick party_ dressed like that?” Ryan pointed at the pajamas Ray was wearing, eyebrow raised as he shook his head. Red plaid pajama pants hung loosely on Ray’s hips and a gray shirt flowed easily against his stomach.

“What are you talking about? This look _screams_ swag,” Ray grinned. “Too much swag is always a problem, though, so I guess I’ll get my clothes.” Ray gave a two finger salute to the two before backpedaling to the door, watching Gavin pull on Ryan’s sleeve before he ducked down to the Brit’s height. Ray shrugged it off and walked back into the house, taking off his shoes and placing them by the door.

He walked past the empty living room and moved a lock of his hair to lay over his shoulder. He twirled and pulled gently at the ends, giving his fingers something to do as he walked throughout the house. He walked into the hallway and turned right, seeing as only the master bedroom was situated at the end of the left portion of the hall. He passed by the bathroom and slowed down as he approached Michael’s door.

Peeking in carefully, Ray saw Michael sitting crosslegged on his bed where he was before. He was slumped forwards with his elbows resting on his knees and his forehead in his hands. Every few seconds he would shake his head or sigh.

Ray didn’t want to know what was wrong.

He passed by the room with ease now, walking towards the very last door and opening it. It was a small room with a washing machine and a dryer on one wall and a couple of baskets stacked on the floor in a corner. A few clothing items were scattered on the floor but Ray stepped over them, opening the dryer and pulling out his clothes. He wrapped everything in his sweater and made his way out of the house, slipping on his sneakers as he opened the door.

Ryan waved as Ray stepped out of the doorway, clapping Gavin’s shoulder as the brunet sidled up to him.

“Ready to go?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah,” Ray nodded, hugging his bundle of clothes closer to his chest.

“See you guys later!” Gavin waved off with a smile, watching the two get in Ryan’s old red pickup truck and drive off.

And now that they were gone he could try and sort out the situation at hand.

Gavin walked back into the house, arms crossed and a frown now decorating his features. He all but stomped into Michael’s room, hastily closing the door and clearing his throat after a minute of silence.

“Look, I’m sorry, Gav,” Michael sighed. He picked his head up from where he was previously slouched over and turned to face Gavin who was standing next to the length of his bed.

“Then you know what you did wrong,” the Brit stated, nodding his head once.

“No, I don’t.”

“Do you really not know, Michael?” Gavin asked, eyes squinting as his eyebrows creased in confusion.

“Look, if it’s about me not accepting her--”

“Oh, I’m plenty pissed about that,” Gavin scoffed, “but putting that aside, I still cannot believe you.”

“Well what the fuck did I do? I can’t exactly fix shit if I don’t even know what I fucked up.” Michael rolled his eyes and let out a huff as Gavin scoffed once more.

“What you did was push him away,” Gavin said sternly. “He’s your bloody best friend and he trusted you to make everything feel good when it obviously wasn’t. You were supposed to help, Michael.” Gavin uncrossed his arms and began pointing a finger at the other’s chest, not quite touching him as if he would be burned should he get too close. “You were supposed to accept him when his own bloody mother didn’t. And I get that you don’t know what the hell it means for someone to be transgender, but that doesn’t mean you can push him away. You and Ray have been friends for years. You’re supposed to love him unconditionally and help him whenever he needs it. You’re not supposed to make him feel like shit and tell him what he is is wrong. You’ve gotta put your own thoughts away and think of how he feels and help him, no matter how fucked up you think something is.”

“Well I don’t know who _Ray_ is,” Michael countered, standing up and pointing his finger at Gavin instead. “I’m friends with Mariana and it’s going to stay that way. And don’t you dare say shit about what I did wrong because I’m looking out for her.”

“You might think you’re looking out for _her_ but you’re just hurting _him._ ” Gavin took a step back and ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re looking out for a person that doesn’t exist.”

“ _I_ am? Are you even listening to yourself?”

“Unlike you I can actually hear the words I’m saying because they’re coming out of my mouth instead of my ass,” Gavin spat. “Because the only thing coming out of your mouth is absolute bullshit.” Tears began pricking at the edges of his eyes, blurring his vision as he angrily stared down Michael.

“Are… are you gonna cry?” Michael asked, reaching a hand out to place on his shoulder.

“Yes I am and don’t you lay a finger on me,” Gavin snapped, pushing away the hand offered to him. “You’re so infuriating! And you’re so god damn stubborn and it’s driving me insane! Just because you don’t know something doesn’t mean you have to be a prick about it.”

“I’m _not_ being a prick about anything.”

“Yes you are! You are absolutely being a prick about everything!”

“I just don’t see what’s wrong with me trying to look out for her,” Michael snarled.

“Alright, well how do you feel about this?” Gavin asked. “You’re a girl.”

“What?”

“Look, it’s my beautiful girlfriend.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Michael questioned, eyes squinting in annoyance.

“I can’t wait for you to become Mrs. Free. We’re gonna have a big house and our kids are gonna love their mother.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Oh, do you not like that?” Gavin asked, feigning confusion. “Does it upset you?” A glance to the ground only fueled the Brit further. “Because that’s exactly what you’re doing to Ray but worse! I’m only giving you titles, but you had the audacity to tell him that his identity was wrong. You told me that he was never going to be Ray to you and that you’d never accept him. And I’m sorry I had to talk to you like that but you’re not gonna listen if I talk to you like you’re some sort of toddler.”

“She can’t just decide to switch genders one day!”

“Well _he_ didn’t decide anything. He’s been like that since he was born but he didn’t figure it out till now, so why don’t you just shut your mouth and be the good friend you are and just help him feel better like you’re supposed to.”

“I’m not gonna do anything because it’s weird!” Michael shouted, hands clenching into fists next to him.

“Well why don’t you call me when you learn that it’s not weird,” Gavin said. “Because I sure as hell am not going to listen to you when you don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“And where are you gonna go?”

“Anywhere but here.”

Gavin bolted out of the room, swinging the front door open as he ignored Michael’s calls for him. He ran down the sidewalk, small rocks digging into his socked feet and wet grass soaking the fabric. People stared at him as he sprinted down the street wearing nothing but a green v-neck and plaid pajama pants.

But he ran and didn’t turn around, didn’t see if Michael had followed him because he knows he hadn’t. He ran and ran and forced himself to think of something--anything--else. He was absolutely _not_ going to give Michael Jones the time of day until he learned to look at things differently.

He skidded around corners and let his feet take him wherever they wanted, his mind running on autopilot as he forced himself to describe the scenery around him in his head. The sun was still hidden behind the gloomy clouds but it had begun to peek out as the minutes ticked by. Patches of mud were everywhere and there were numerous strays wandering around as he darted past them. The air felt humid and sticky, sweat building up on his forehead and chest as his breaths came out more ragged and desperate.

He stumbled a few times as he ran, slowing to a stop when his feet couldn’t take him anymore. Gavin doubled over and pressed his hands into his knees, spitting on the floor beside him as his mind begged for oxygen.

After a couple minutes of catching his breath, Gavin looked around and noticed that he had wandered into a neighborhood full of identical two-story houses. He walked slowly to a stop sign, reading the street names and perking up when he realized he was nearby a friend’s house.

He wandered back down the way he came, passing by the same white brick houses over and over again until he found the building he was looking for. Gavin sighed as he walked up the concrete path to the door as he realized how pathetic he looked.

He raised a fist as he approached the door, knocking four times on the wood and taking a step back as he waited for someone to answer.

“Gavin?”

“Hey,” he waved. “Do you think I could come in, Jack?”

\--

This was fucking stupid.

It made absolutely no fucking sense.

“They’re just confused,” Michael nodded, plopping himself down on his bed as he held his phone in his hands. “That’s all it is. Gavin’s gonna come back soon and so will Mariana.”

He flipped his phone over and over in his hands, fingers running over the smooth screen and clicking the sound buttons aimlessly as they met the tips of his digits. He sat there for a few minutes, just focusing on the feel of the glass against his fingertips as he held his thoughts at bay. Eventually he lost his inner battle, sighing as he actually thought about what was currently going on.

“Gavin’s never this serious about… anything,” Michael whispered to himself, turning his phone so he could see his reflection in the glass. He clicked on the screen and was met with a picture of him and Gavin laughing at the camera. Gavin had insisted on using some sort of filter and they settled on one that made his red shirt stick out even more, a blue tint covering the rest of the picture.

_”Michael, Michael!” Gavin yelled over the sound of some pop song he didn’t bother remembering the name of._

_“Over here, boi!” Michael yelled back, hand waving over a sea of people as he stood up from the chair he was seated on. A metallic table in front of him was holding a plate of fries and a couple of cups of soda._

_“Have you been here the whole time?” Gavin asked, sitting on the same chair as Michael when he reached the table._

_“Well you said you were hungry,” Michael grinned. “I could only get this but Rye said he would bring some more money when he gets here.”_

_“Thanks boi,” Gavin nodded, pecking Michael on the cheek as he grabbed a fry and bit it in half._

_Michael grabbed a cup off the table and brought the straw to his lips, eyes filled with affection as he watched Gavin chew happily. The lights changed from one color to the next in an instant, different hues casting shadows and framing his face wonderfully. The music and chatter of people only served as background noise as he stared at the boy before him._

_“Hey, Gav.”_

_“Yo.”_

_“Let’s take a picture.”_

_Gavin had agreed with an excited nod of his head quickly swallowing the fries he had shoved into his mouth. He grinned at the camera and pouted as he saw Michael roll his eyes on screen._

_“S’there something wrong with my face, Michael?”_

_“Nah, but you’ve gotta acted more pumped up,” Michael said. “Otherwise it looks like you were dragged here and were forced to have fun.”_

_“Aw, but you know I’m having a great time boi,” Gavin pouted._

_“It’s not gonna look like that if we told everyone we came to that dumb skate rink.”_

_“Well what am I supposed to do?”_

_Michael hummed to himself before smirking at Gavin, quickly putting them in frame on his phone as he used a hand to tickle at the Brit’s side. He squawked in shock and then began giggling as his hands tried to pry Michael’s fingers away from his side._

_Michael quickly snapped the photo and dropped his phone on the table as Gavin managed to push his hand away._

_“Michael, you didn’t have to do that,” he breathed, an air of excitement wrapping around the two._

_“Yeah but I bet the picture looks great.”_

_“A tippy top picture for a tippy top night.”_

Michael groaned as he let his body fall backwards onto the bed, his head bouncing up slightly as he landed. He turned his head to the side and stared at his dresser that was littered with smiley faces and stickers.

What was he supposed to do?

“Fuck me,” he sighed, eyes closing slowly as he turned his head to face at the ceiling again. “Fuck fuck fuck.” He let his eyes open and stared at the stars stuck onto the ceiling.

_Gavin’s practically everywhere in my room._

“What does he expect me to do?” Michael asked himself. “Am I supposed to start calling her Ray and act like Mariana never existed? Am I supposed to be talking to myself?”

“Are you?”

Michael shot up from the bed, eyes darting to the door as he saw his mom standing in the doorway. Her red hair stuck out against the light behind her, her face dark in contrast due to there being no lights on in Michael’s room.

“You heard everything, didn’t you?”

“Well, nobody in this house is quiet apparently,” she shrugged, stepping into the room and taking a seat beside the boy.

“And you didn’t bother helping?”

“I think Gavin did a good job.”

“Why is everyone on Gavin’s side?” Michael yelled, hands moving up to run through his curls.

“Well, you have to think about it a bit differently,” Mrs. Jones said, reaching out to grab Michael’s hands and place them in his lap. “Gavin took a more… yell-y kind of approach but that might’ve been a bad choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, think of it like this. Your name is Michael and you know you’re a boy, right? It’s just something you’ve always known.”

“Okay,” Michael nodded slowly.

“But everyone thinks you’re a girl. And they call you by a girly name and want you to dress girly and act like someone you’re not. And you try to tell them you’re a boy, but nobody believes you. They all tell you that you’re a girl, and they never call you Michael no matter how much you try to tell them to.”

“So… It’s like just being wrong on the outside?”

“Yeah,” she nods. “Your body doesn’t match up with what your brain says.”

“I… Okay,” Michael says slowly. He leans his head on his mother’s shoulder, eyes squinted and eyebrows knitted in concentration. “I think I’m getting it?”

“Well if you still need help, you’ve always got a laptop and I’m sure if you called up Gavin he could explain as well.”

“How do you know about this stuff?” Michael asked. “Dad doesn’t know about things like this, I bet. Hell, he can’t even handle anyone being gay.”

“Well, I knew a girl who was also transgender,” she smiled. “I’d been a bit skeptical as fist as well, albeit a little more accepting than you. But she’d explained it like that to me and it helped.”

“Oh.”

“I know a lot more than you give me credit for,” Mrs. Jones said, standing up from the bed as she clasped her hands in front of herself.

“Before you go and… do mom stuff, I guess,” Michael called out. “What do I tell Gavin when I end up calling him?”

“I’m not gonna tell you how to do everything, Michael,” she smiled. “If you mess up then you’ve gotta fix it.”

“Alright, you’re no help, get outta my room.” Michael groaned. “Go give someone else Mom Advice.”

“Okay, okay,” she laughed as a quick kiss was pressed to the top of Michael’s head. “But don’t forget to give him flowers. You know he loves them.”

“I got it Ma,” Michael yelled, pushing her out of his room and shutting the door. He made his way back to his bed in the dark, blinds closed and curtains drawn shut so barely any light made it through. As he sat down he pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Gavin.

\--

“So after all that, you ran over here?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Gavin muttered. “But I guess I kind of wanted to.”

“Gavin, you know running isn’t gonna fix anything,” Jack said, eyes narrowing as she looked at Gavin laying upside down on her bed, head hanging off the edge and feet near her pillows.

“Well I didn’t know what to do,” he huffed. “I was just so frustrated and I needed to clear my head but I didn’t want to be around him. He’s stubborn at the worst times.”

“Maybe I could try and talk to him,” she suggested. Jack sat crosslegged in front of Gavin, upside down in his eyes.

“God no.” Gavin shook his head and turned to lay on his stomach, elbows digging into the mattress as he propped up his head.

“Why not?”

“He’s already upset at the thought of Ray being trans, so what’s he gonna think when he hears that you’re genderfluid? He’s gonna lose his marbles,” Gavin pointed out. “Besides, I take it he won’t listen to a stranger.”

“Well you’ve gotta do something,” Jack spoke. She picked at the hem of her t-shirt, a soft pink fabric with a shirt pocket on the left side. Her hands brushed against the smooth fabric of her pajama pants that were an off white color with purple polka dots. “From what you’ve told me about him I’d say he’s not one to make the first move.”

“I hate this.”

“Okay well, what did you tell him?”

“What do you mean?” Gavin asked.

“How did you try to explain things to him?” Jack questioned.

“I uh,” he mumbled. “I might’ve… called him a girl?”

“Gavin,” Jack said, voice stern and eyebrows furrowed. “You know you’re not supposed to do that.”

“I know but--”

“Gavin.”

“Sorry,” he sighed.

“And I can only imagine the amount of context you didn’t give him.” Jack shook her head as she stared at the ground.

“I was frustrated!!!”

“Well now you’ve got something else to apologize for.”

“Something _else_?”

“Well, you kind of ran out on him and yelling at him probably wasn’t the best option for you,” Jack shrugged. “Someone’s gotta be responsible for their actions.”

“I hate you and your dumb life lessons,” Gavin grumbled. “ _Gavin do this, Gavin do that._ ”

“Gavin, go get me a glass of water.”

“Sod off, Jack.”

“But you do know you can’t hide from him forever, right?” Jack asked. “You’ve only got tomorrow to hide away and then the day after there’s school. And you two have almost every class together.”

“I know,” Gavin sighed. “But I mean… Michael probably hates me now. And I know I should hate him right now but I don’t and it’s frustrating.” He pushed himself off the bed and goes to sit on the floor next to Jack, head leaning on her shoulder as he stared at the beige carpet. “I still love him a lot even though we’re fighting and… I don’t want to break up with him but I know he’s tired of me.”

“He’s not gonna break up with you,” Jack assured him, hand ruffling his hair. “If anything, Michael probably thinks _you_ want to break up with _him._ ”

“I dunno,” Gavin muttered.

“It’s gonna be fine, Gav,” she said. “You guys fight and make up all the time. What’s so different about this time?”

“Well, I kind of ran out of his house and yelled at him to no end.”

“You’ve done worse.”

“I punched him _one_ time,” Gavin scoffed. “And I said sorry and bought him ice cream.”

“And you know how pissed he was then. Didn’t you say he almost punched you back?”  
Jack laughed.

“Ryan suggested that so we could be even, and Michael was gonna do it,” Gavin spoke. “But he didn’t do that because he wanted ice cream and didn’t want to make me cry.” A smile passed over his face, head lifting up from Jack’s shoulder and hands resting on his knees. “Okay, maybe you’re right.”

“I’m always right, Gav.”

“You’re always a smug asshole,” Gavin said, tongue sticking out. A chiming bell brought his attention away, Jack pointing at where his phone was laying on her bed. He crawled from his spot on the floor to the edge of the bed, grabbing his phone and seeing the message displayed on screen.

**Michael <333: im sorry**

Gavin sunk onto the floor, legs folded under him as his feet pressed into his butt, back slumped over as he stared at his phone.

“Who is it?” Jack asked, crawling over to him.

“Michael.”

“What’d he say?”

Gavin handed her the phone, arms crossing as she glanced over the message with a hum.

“Are you gonna text him back?” Jask asked.

“I don’t know,” Gavin shrugged, eyes downcast as he worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “I mean, I don’t think he’ll be upset with me for yelling at him. You’ve done a great job with telling me that, but I’m still mad at him. And I just… I just don’t think we should talk right now.”

“But you’re still gonna talk to him, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Just not now, is all. I can only imagine we’ll fight again if he’s still acting like a pisspot.”

Gavin clapped his hands together, forcing his frown off his face and plastering on a smile instead. “But let’s not worry about that,” he grinned. “We’re gonna build a house in Minecraft, and it’s gonna be absolutely top.”

“Roger that,” Jack saluted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the best chapter, but I wanted to get something up and didn't feel like rewriting the 10+ pages i had on Google Docs


	4. And I Am What I Am, A Natural Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really happy with this chapter, but I really wanted to get something up since I havent updated in over a month. Sorry about that btw. But, summer is coming up and I only have to study for my Spanish and Algebra finals so after that I should have a bit more time.
> 
> Chapter title from _Shark Attack_ by _Grouplove_

“Why is your room so clean?”

“I’m… sorry?”

Ray dropped his clothes on the floor, making his way to Ryan’s bed and landing on his back as he fell into the soft covers. “You even make your bed,” he rolled his eyes. “Are you trying to win the award for world’s lamest teenager? Because you’re in the lead, dude.”

“What’s wrong with having a clean room?” Ryan asked, closing the door behind him as he rolled up his sleeves. “I think it looks nice.”

Ryan’s eyes scanned over his belongings, content with the minimalist appearance he had wanted. A bed was pushed against the far right wall, vertically of course, a king sized bed with gray covers and black pillows, blanket messed up due to Ray’s fall back. A window was placed just to the left of the bed, and a walk-in closet was placed in the wall on his left. The white, sliding doors stood out against the dull walls and blended in with the eggshell carpet. A dresser with a small TV sat atop it was placed across the bed, just to the right of the door. A rug sat in the middle of the room, fading from a black to a light gray as the color lightened towards the edge.

Ray thought his room looked strange.

Ryan didn’t care.

“Only cause you’re weird, just like your room,” Ray scoffed. “You’ve got like, no style in here.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that in order to keep our friendship intact,” Ryan said, bending down to pick up the wad of clothes that Ray had dropped on the floor. He was about to stand back up when he realized he’d dropped something, reaching down to pick it up but dropping it again as he identified what it was.

“What, are you scared of a _bra,_ Ryan?” Ray laughed, hands moving to interlock behind his head.

“Well I mean,” Ryan coughed, “are you not wearing one?”

“Dude, they picked me up in the rain,” Ray said, eyes rolling as he stared up at the ceiling. “You think I’m gonna keep on soggy clothes?”

“What about when it dried?”

“Nobody likes wearing bras, Ryan,” Ray deadpanned. “Nobody in the universe.”

Staring back down at the black cloth, Ryan pressed his lips into a thin line. “Please put it on.”

“Come on, Rye,” Ray groaned. “Don’t be such a wuss.” He stood up from the bed, crossing the room and picking up the garment from the floor, noting the way Ryan’s eyes followed. “Look, it’s not even anything frilly. It’s just an old sports bra. So you can calm your boy eyes and not pop one while I’m over... _But,_ if it’ll make you happy I’ll put it on.”

“Thanks, pal,” Ryan called out after Ray, watching as he walked out of the room.

\--

It’d been nearly an hour since Michael texted Gavin and he hadn’t received a response yet.

And so, he came to a conclusion -- mutiple, really. Conclusion 1) Gavin wanted to avoid him. Conclusion 2) Gavin was genuinely busy. Conclusion 3) Something bad had happened. Conclusion 4) This was all a dream and Michael never fought with anyone and everything would go back to normal when he woke up.

Conclusion 5) Conclusion 4 was fucking stupid.

But what was he supposed to do about it? Yell at Gavin some more and cause them to break up even sooner? Hell no. He was going to do the only logical thing and wait it out until he’d get a text back.

Or he’d text Gavin some more. Nicely, of course.

**Michael <333: im soooorrryyy**

**Michael <333: look can we just talk or smthn**

**Michael <333: i promise i wont be a total asshole**

Michael sighed as he clicked his phone screen on and off, lighting up the room a bit every time he did so. It’d been almost three hours since he sent that last text and he was honestly worried about Gavin. Sure, he wasn’t a kid and was probably cooling down somewhere but after years of always knowing where the blond was, Michael couldn’t help it. Even before they’d started dating the two had been joined at the hip, always knowing where the other was because they’d usually be at each other’s house or texting nonstop. So when he hadn’t received any answer from Gavin in over three hours he didn’t know what he was supposed to feel.

_I guess I deserve it, though._

Four o’clock had passed just minutes ago and Michael had no clue what to do. Sure, he could pass the time playing video games or watching TV, but everything either reminded him of Gavin or his gut was hit with an alarming amount of guilt. Because yeah, he didn’t mean to be such a piece of shit. He hadn’t understood the weight his words held and looking back at all the yelling, he was a total douchebag to Mariana.

“No, her name is Ray, you fuck,” Michael scolded himself. “Shit, wait, that was wrong. His. _His_ name is Ray.” Nodding to himself and using a quick glance around his room to make sure no one had been spying on him, Michael let himself relax into his bed.

\--

“Okay, fuck you,” Ray laughed as Ryan elbowed him. The two sat side by side on Ryan’s bed, Wiimotes in hand as the two raced in Mario Kart after digging out the small console from Ryan’s closet. “Sabotage is still gonna bite you in the ass.”

“I mean, it also couldn’t,” Ryan grinned, eyes glued to the screen as he raced with Wario. Ray had obviously picked Waluigi and the blond would bet a thousand dollars on the fact that Ray probably had the ability to hack any console in sight because there was no way he could be this good at racing.

“Watch, you’re gonna pass me up and I’m gonna get a blue shell and end you,” Ray said. “That, or I’ll pick Rainbow Road as our next course.”

“Not like you won’t win anyways,” Ryan said, eyes rolling as his smile grew even wider.

“You’re not wrong.”

The pair continued to play, voices growing louder as the hours passed and the sun was beginning to set in the early evening. Laughter and loving insults echoed throughout the room, bouncing around the walls and traveling into the empty hallway, filling Ryan’s home with friendly banter. As Ray selected yet another map to wreck Ryan in, a loud chime sounded throughout the room.

“Who is it?” Ray asked as Ryan paused the game and reached behind him to grab his phone off the rumpled comforter.

“It’s... oh,” Ryan muttered. He gnawed on his bottom lip and stared at his phone, eyes moving up to stare at Ray and then darting back down to the screen.

“What do you mean, _oh_?” Ray questioned, neck craning to look at the screen as Ryan moved it away from his nosy eyes.

“Nothin’ important,” Ryan said.

“Seemed pretty important.”

“Nah, let’s just get back to the game,” Ryan suggested, finger hovering over the button to unpause it. He waited until Ray gave a nod and focused on the screen before resuming the game, finally breaking two laps later.

“Look, I know I’m not supposed to talk about him,” Ryan started, not wanting to bottle in his thoughts, teeth worrying his bottom lip once again as he spoke. “But it was Michael.

“Who said you weren’t supposed to talk about Michael?” Ray asked, eyebrow raising as he allowed his kart to slow to a stop. His eyes flitted to Ryan as he set his controller down on the covers next to him, hand pressing on the bed to hold himself up as he turned to face him.

“Uh, Gavin?” Ryan said, teeth showing in a guilty frown. “Before we left Michael’s he told me not to talk about him…”

“Oh.”

“I, uh, I don’t know anything if that’s what you’re worried about,” Ryan assured him. “So, I don’t really know how bad it is if I talk about Michael to you.”

“No, it’s,” Ray started. He closed his mouth and let a breath of air out of his nose as the inside of his cheek found its way in between his molars. “It’s fine.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ryan asked.

“Nah.” Ray shook his head. “Just… Tell me what Michael said. Please?” Ryan nodded slowly and unlocked his phone, opening up the message and reading it aloud.

“ _Hey Rye, is Ray there?_ ” Ryan read the message again in his mind, eyebrows knitting together as he tried to figure out who _Ray_ was. “Who’s he talking about?”

A few seconds pass in silence, Ryan trying to force his brain to remember the mystery person and Ray getting a pang of realization as the text processed in his mind. “Fuck,” Ray mumbles. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate you Michael Jones.”

“Are you okay?”

“Can I borrow your phone?” Ray asked, staring at Ryan impatiently and sprinting out the room when the phone was placed in his hands.

Ray shut the door quickly, taking the stairs down two at a time until he reached the bottom and slid on the tiled floor to the bathroom downstairs. He locked the door as he pressed the call button on Michael’s contact. It rang for a few seconds before the phone was answered and the sound of Michael letting out a sigh was heard in the speaker.

“Thank Christ, Ryan,” Michael huffed, a smile heard in his voice.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Ray asked, ignoring the earlier comment. His voice is hushed and his words are thrown out hastily, screen pressed against his cheek as his back leans against the bathroom door.

“I was… looking for you,” Michael said. “I wanted to apolo--”

“No,” Ray interrupted.

“E-excuse me?”

“Look, I appreciate the sentiment and all, but you just fucked me over,” Ray sighed. “It’s great that you’re not gonna be a total asshole, so thanks for that. But you kind of just outed me to Ryan and this is gonna be fucking hard because I barely made it through you and Gav.”

“You know he’s not gonna be an ass about this,” Michael assured him. "He's like... super great with things like this."

"Pfft," Ray scoffed, eyes rolling. "Just like how I thought you would've been?”

“Look, I had never been told shit like this,” Michael uttered. “And I’m always an asshole and I’m a total piece of shit. But Ryan isn’t. He never yells or gets in fights and he doesn’t talk back to anybody or god forbid he’s not the perfect angel he wants to be. You’ll be fine.”

“You don’t get it,” Ray muttered.

“Yes, I do,” Michael said. “Every second Gavin is at my house, how do you think it feels? Knowing that my dad could walk in my room at any second, could come home from work at any time, could even find out about us being together from some other person… it’s a constant nightmare, dude. Sure, it’s not like I’ll be kicked out ‘cause my mom is there, and it’s not like I have to worry about homophobes because I’m pretty much out to everyone, but I still know what it’s like. I can relate to you, even if it’s not as much as you want me to.”

“I… Sorry,” Ray sighed. “But this is different than you being gay. Ryan had told us he was cool with it long before you even came out and he’s never said anything about this kind of stuff. Things might go well and he’ll be chill and call me Ray, or things’ll go to shit and I’ll have to find somewhere else to crash. And I’d rather not get my hopes up.”

“I know, I know,” Michael said. His voice crackled over the line as a rustling was heard, static overtaking the phone before it settled. “And like I said, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to get all rude and shit.”

“Glad that I don’t have to bribe you with games to get you to talk to me,” Ray smiled.

“Well show me what you got, Narvaez,” Michael laughed. “Maybe I can bribe Gav to talk to _me._ ”

“What happened after I left?”

“Uh, we sort of talked about you and stuff. And we screamed. And Gavin ran away. And now I don’t know where he is and he doesn’t wanna reply to any of my texts.”

“Sounds like hell,” Ray huffed.

“Feels like it,” Michael sighed. “I’d rather be in _actual_ Hell than have to deal with this, though.”

“I’ll talk to him. Maybe rough him up a bit. You know the drill.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Michael grinned. His laugh comes out in little breathy huffs and Ray took pride in the fact that things weren’t as awkward as he’d imagined. He’d thought it’d take days to get back into their routine, maybe even weeks, but it seemed like it won’t even be that long.

“Nah, I’ll call him though, I guess,” Ray shrugged. His voice had long since risen from a whisper and his posture had relaxed as well, slouched against the door as one hand began running through his hair. “But after I deal with Rye. Seriously, fuck you, dude.”

“You’ll be fine,” Michael assured him, dragging out the _I._ Ray could practically hear Michael roll his eyes over the phone. “And if things don’t go fine, I give you my full consent to kick me in the nuts.”

“Sorry, but I’m doing it regardless of the outcome.”

“Asshole.”

“You know you love me,” Ray teased, a smile warming his features.

“No homo,” Michael called out.

“Nah, _full_ homo.”


End file.
